Paging Mr. Skywalker...

A few weeks ago, one of the middle school teachers (we'll call him Mr. Skywalker) left our school because he got a job much closer to home.  Of course the kids were upset, but I thought things had started to calm down.  Today's installment proves that it's NEVER over in middle school.

Student:  You know that inflatable unicorn head on your wall behind you?

Me:  WHAT?  THERE'S A UNICORN HEAD ON MY WALL?  NO!

*puzzled silence from student*

Me:  Sigh.  Yes, I am aware of the unicorn head on my wall.

Student:  Well, you should get one like that of Mr. Skywalker.  And he should be wearing that red hat.


1.  No unicorns were harmed in the writing of this blog.

2.  It's a fez.  The unicorn wears the fez usually.  Mr. Skywalker would occasionally steal it from the unicorn and wear it for Hat Day or Fanatic Day.  Or Tuesday.

3.  I have no plans to decapitate Mr. Skywalker in order to hang his head on my wall.  Quite frankly, that would be creepy.

An Act of War

Sometimes things don't turn out as you plan.  I decided to try an anticipatory activity with my classes today to get them to predict what our next story would be about.  Honestly, I thought it would be pretty easy to figure out.  I had them perform some simple tasks using their non-dominant hands.  Then we talked about how they felt while doing the tasks--frustrated, stupid, slow, etc.  The point of this was to get them to predict that the next story was going to involve characters who had issues with their dominant hands (one in a car accident, one in the war in Vietnam) and had to learn to compensate.

The predicting part did not go so well.  When I asked the class why they thought I had made them do this activity, they immediately responded that I was trying to get them to write more neatly.  While that is indeed true for some of them, I noted that we do have other things that we do in ELA other than writing.  Maybe they could make a prediction about something having to do with another topic we are learning about, such as characterization or point of view?

After more discussion, the class finally determined that the activity had something to do with a story we were going to read.  Then a student made a prediction that it might have something to do with veterans since today is Veteran's Day.  I was very excited-YES!  It DOES have something to do with a veteran!  What might that connection be?  WHY WOULD I HAVE MADE EVERYONE WRITE THEIR NAME AND DRAW A TREE USING THEIR NON-DOMINANT HAND?  HOW MIGHT THAT CONNECT TO THE STORY?

And then...a student raises her hand.  Surely we'd gotten to the whole point of the exercise, that one of the characters was a veteran who had injured his hand.  She says, "I may be a little off base with this, but I think it means you are going to send us to war."


If memory serves, I think I need Congress's approval for that.

Patience, Young Grasshopper...

Last week was interim test week at school.  This means that all language arts and math classes have big big tests and we teachers get the pleasure of grading the constructed responses before scanning the rest of the test in to the gradebook.  One of my former students was a little anxious about finding out his score on his math test, and he stopped his math teacher on her way out the door...

Student: Are you going to have the interims graded by tomorrow?

Math Teacher: Possibly.  It depends upon how long it takes.

Student: Oh, you can pull an all-nighter to get them all done!

Me:  Whoa there chief...it's not quite that easy! [Student's current ELA teacher walks by and I called her into the room]  Tell your ELA teacher what you just said!

Student:  I just want to know what my grades are!  It's important!  Are you going to have our interims graded by tomorrow?

ELA Teacher:  Well, actually, I have no life whatsoever.  So I am just going to go straight home to grade this giant stack of papers.  I will not eat or sleep until I am finished so you can have your grade tomorrow.

Student:  Finally!  Someone who appreciates my priorities!

We're going to need to work on the concept of facetiousness, apparently.

Something Wicked This Way Comes...

Here's an oldie to get you in the spirit of things. No spoilers if you haven't read the story...

Overheard in my classroom today...

Me: *reads the classic creepy story "The Monkey's Paw" in order to teach mood*

Student:  So wait, the son was dead?  How did he die?

Me: *bangs head against the wall*

So Many Words!

I am returning to the classroom on Monday, so no doubt there will be some new posts forthcoming.  Here's an old one that popped up in my "On This Day" thingie on Facebook...

Student: What words are we supposed to be studying this week?
Me: Your spelling words. Unit 7.
Student: Oh. Which book are those words in?
Me: Um, your spelling book? Try that one.

I wonder which book the student was using to study for the first six units...

Fra-jee-lay....It Must Be Italian!

It's been a while...some not so funny stuff going on.  But here's a funny story to reward you for your patience.

Today after school, a GIGANTIC semi attempted to pull into the parking lot during pick-up time.  If you have ever been in the school parking lot at 3:15, you know that it is not a place to be driving a semi.  Or anything else, if you ask me.  But I digress.  The semi was delivering a cart for a classroom set of Chromebooks, which really is not large enough to warrant an entire semi, but whatever.  Not my problem.  The principal managed to get the semi out of the way until the parking lot emptied and then asked if I would help to ensure that it got into the building with her.  The semi driver loaded the cart off the truck, no problem.  Then he worked on unwrapping it from the shipping materials while the principal and I waited.

Here's where it gets interesting.  The cart had a pyramid-shaped warning sign on the top so that no one would stack anything on top of it.  The semi driver said, "Oh, I'm sorry, there's only one party hat for you."  Which, of course, means I have to put it on my head.  See below:

As I was busy taking selfies/embarassing students by forcing them to admit they know me, the semi driver looks at me intently and asks, "Do you watch that show American Horror Story?"  Well, I don't, but I'm pretty sure nothing good can come out of a conversation that begins like that.  I admit to not watching it, but say that I know that it is super scary, especially this season.  The driver says, "Oh no, I don't mean this season.  The one you make me think of is the one with the freak show."

The principal lost it completely.  I was forced to slink inside in shame.  With my party hat, obviously.

Rodent Escapades

Never in a thousand years would I imagine that I would have ANOTHER blogworthy moment in my new job so soon!  And it's AMAZING.

I had just gotten out of an interview for a new staff member when I heard the front office calling for a custodian needed in a fourth grade classroom on the radio.  I ignored it and started back to "my" office, but one of the ladies in the front office said that I should also go to the fourth grade room.  Um, why?  Because there was a MOUSE in the closet!  Clearly, I was the woman for the job.

So I booked it down to the room and saw the custodian coming out the door.  I asked him if he had caught the mouse, and he said no.  He was going to call the exterminator.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Okay, I have a soft spot for mices.

The mouse, who was scared out of its little mouse brain, was hiding in the closet.  I carefully took some of the stuff out of the bottom of the closet, which of course just made the mouse panic even more.  When I tried to grab it, it jumped out of my hands and ran out the door of the classroom.  Now we have mouse on the loose in the hallway.  By this time, the other custodian had joined in the Great Mouse Hunt, so there were three adults running after this teeny little mouse.  Kids are watching through the doors of the classrooms as we dive on the floor trying to grab it, probably laughing at our lack of grace and skill at mouse-catching.  I cornered it, but it kept jumping out of my grasp.  I was worried that it was either going to run under the door to another classroom, or run down my pants.  Finally, one of the custodians executed some crazy ninja moves (seriously--I have never seen the like) and trapped the mouse in a plastic container.  She then immediately handed it off to me.  I, of course, took its picture:

No, I did not keep it as a pet, even though it was super-cute.  I took it outside and set it free in the field behind the school.  It scampered away, much relieved to be free.  At least until 8:00 when it can slip back inside the building.

A New Adventure

As some of you may know, I am currently acting as the middle school dean at my school while the real one is out on maternity leave. So unfortunately, I am not in the classroom overhearing random gems of seventh-grade wisdom currently.  I am discovering, however, that there's a wealth of other places to overhear crazy stuff within the school building and its outskirts.  Perhaps that's because the crazy follows me around--whatever.  Point is, there's still good material out there.

For today's anecdote, some background information is necessary.  The admin team is learning how to handle all the paperwork related to students who are not native English speakers.  As a newbie, I had NO idea how much work is involved in testing, monitoring, and tutoring these students.  There were lots of acronyms being thrown around which meant nothing to us.  Thankfully we have lots of people who are trying to help us through the process, but it was still a painful dose of reality.  After two hours of feeling frustrated and stupid, my ADD got the better of me and I had to stand up to take a walk.  My walk took me past the table with all the random free stuff that teachers dump in the lounge.

Me:  OOOOOOH!  A dinosaur book!  With cardboard models you can build!  Why was I not informed about this?  (snatches book gleefully)

My Boss:  And this is why we need all the help we can get with this stuff.

Okay, my presence may actually be the common equation here....

Topical

As we near graduation (2 1/2 days, but who's counting), I was amused to discover this little gem on my Facebook page from last year....

Student: Do people wear pants under those robes?

Me: Nope. Absolutely not. Pants-free zone.

Student: Ohhhhhh... *looks panicked*

M(ad) Students

To end up the year, I do a unit about media literacy and advertising.  We talk about advertising techniques and the uses of color, and then the assignment is to design their own cereal box.  The kids then have to explain their box to the class.  Here are some of the highlights from the presentations...

Student One: Our cereal has 210 calories per serving.  It also can cure cancer.
Student Two:  210 calories?  That's a lot!
Student One:  That's the price you pay for curing cancer.
Student Two:  Diabetes?

Student Three:  Our cereal graphics target children of all ages.  Because who doesn't love alien dogs wearing leprechaun hats?

Student Four:  Our cereal is called Coco-Cabbages.  If you collect all five of the golden cabbages inside, you can win a dragon-warrior-sized dumpling.

Student Five:  We're not going to say that our cereal will cure cancer, but it is gluten-free!

Student Six:  Our cereal has negative 1000 calories--it defies obesity.

Student Seven:  Our cereal is called Swaggy's.  It has 110 calories of swag per serving.

Student Eight:  Our tagline is, "Unicorn Doo-Doo--A Butt-load of Fun!"

We Love Testing!

And because we love testing so much, we haven't had regular classes in a while.  I've been collecting the random awsomeness for you, however, and now it gets published in one big post o' joy and happiness.

Scene One: Before school begins.  Students are talking about a car they followed that had something hanging out of the trunk.
Student:  I was kind of upset when they opened the trunk that it wasn't a body.  Sacrifices must be made, I guess.

Scene Two:  Again, before school begins.  I am taking a selfie for some reason, probably to send to my now-former student teacher to harrass her.
Student (in tone of incredulity):  What are you doing?  You're taking selfies and you're pushing 50?
I'm really not pushing 50, btw.

Scene Three:  Before school.  I have been asked to fill in for traffic duty.
Me:  Is it raining outside right now?
Student:  No, but it rained last night.
Because that would somehow help me to decide if I should bring an umbrella or not.

Scene Four:  On our way to test in the library.
Student One:  Wow, look at [actual name redacted, let's call him Johnny].  Johnny looks different today.
Student Two:  Yeah, you're right.  What's different about him?
Student One:  Oh my gosh, Johnny's not wearing his jacket!
Student Two:  He's living the thug life.

Scene Five: Before assembly.
Former Homeroom Student:  Is [actual name redacted, let's call her Susie] in your homeroom?
Me:  Yes, she is.
Former Homeroom Student:  Is she there now?
Me:  Yes, she is.
Former Homeroom Student: Okay, great!  Where's your homeroom?
Me:  Are you for reals?

I hope that this sampling of seventh (and eighth) grade craziness helps to get you through your day.  It sure helps me.  That and banging my head against the wall.

Stop! Collaborate and Listen!

My homeroom students were discussing rappers this morning (I don't know why.  I try not to ask too many questions.)  This was the conversation that I managed to catch...

Student One:  What about Vanilla Ice?

Student Two:  You know, he's white though.

Student One:  What are you talking about?

Student Two:  He's white.

Me (because I could no longer take it):  Why do you think his name is Vanilla Ice?

Student One:  I just thought he really liked vanilla ice cream.

This, among many reasons, is why I have to educate these children in the ways of 80s pop culture.

Tilting At Windmills

We're finishing up our biography and autobiography unit.  Hannah, the student teacher, came up with this great lesson plan about Miguel de Cervantes, the author of Don Quixote.  To give them some background, she showed them a picture of him:

Questions from the students included:

Is that a man or a woman?
Where's the rest of his body?


Oh, but it goes on.  Apparently during Cervantes's lifetime, there was this thing called the Holy League.  I freely admit I knew nothing about this--apparently it was a group of Catholic countries that joined together to drive the Turks out of the eastern Mediterranean in 1571.  The students immediately thought that it was a church softball team.  Seems logical to me.

The Honeymoon's Almost Over

So my student teacher has been gone for the past two days in order to attend job fairs and, you know, get a job. Leaving me in charge. I need to get used to it since her days with us are numbered, but I figured I would mess with her while I still can. Here is the actual text messages exchanged between us tonight as she attempted to regroup for tomorrow: 

I am freaking hysterical. 

Feeding Frenzy

At the end of the day, I was encouraging a straggling student to gather his plentitude of belongings so we could go outside...

Me: Let's go! Everyone else is outside already!

Student: I'm coming, just wait a second. I have to pack up my book about feeding piranhas.

Because apparently pet piranhas are a thing now.

But then I remembered another moment of joy today, which seemed unrelated at first. I made the piranha connection and all was right with the world!  During snack time, I was eating Cap'n Crunch Berries directly from the box. Like you do. I was actually standing by my teammate's room and I asked her if I could throw some Crunch Berries at the students in her room. Being my teammate, of course she agreed that it would be a brilliant idea. So I proceeded to pelt an unsuspecting kid with cereal. Once the other kids saw what I was doing, they all clamored to be pelted with cereal as well. Like you do. Rather than pelt them all individually, I made the rash decision to throw a handful of Crunch Berries into the air. 

It was as if I had thrown gold pieces at them.  There was great jumping and leaping and shoving and falling on the floor to claim the coveted Berries of Crunch. The students crammed the berries into their mouths while my teammate and I laughed hysterically.

So the theme of the day was piranha, unbeknownst to me. I am hoping for narwhals tomorrow.

Separated At Birth

This woman is my soul sister. If we taught in the same hallway, the universe would implode from the awesomeness and sarcasm.  Check her out!  

http://www.loveteachblog.com/?m=1

Ah,To Be Young Again

Overheard in my classroom today...

I was born in the 21st century.  I know how life works.

Well, guess they don't need me around any longer!

Worse Than a Full Moon

Nothing makes kids who have to follow a dress code crazier than the chance NOT to wear that dress code.  Which is what happens during Spirit Week.  Personally, I participate in pretty much any special dress day that allows me to wear jeans.  The guidelines for each special dress day are pretty clear, but of course everyone wants to push the limits as much as possible.  For your reading pleasure, I've compiled a selection of questions that I have dealt with this week...

Day 1: Pajama Day

I don't wear pajamas to bed.  What should I wear?

Day 2:  Twin Day

If I am being a twin with someone, do I have to wear the exact same clothes as them?

Day 3: Casual Day

Can I wear make-up and high heels?

Day 4: Fanatic Day

Can I be a fan of dressing casually?

also 

Can I be a fan of myself?

Day 5: School Spirit Day

I mistakenly assumed that I would not have to answer ANY questions about this day.  You wear school colors, right? Easy.

So do my clothes need to be dress code?  No, as long as they are school colors.

Is a white hoodie with red writing on it school colors?  Well, white is a school color, but red is not.  So maybe wear a blue shirt instead.

Can I wear a red shirt?  Um, no.

I Have a Masters Degree in Educational Technology. Really.

I have been blessed with a student teacher this semester.  She's fantastic.  And she makes us cupcakes.    And does other stuff too.  She has been starting to take over teaching the afternoon classes as well as creating some cool Prezis. Prezi, in case you don't know, is a web-based presentation program kind of like PowerPoint.  But cooler, in an albeit slightly nausea-inducing fashion.  I have been using her Prezis even in the classes that I am still teaching rather than the PowerPoints that I've used for years.   I always try to make my PowerPoints visually interesting, but the students are apparently over it...

Me: Okay, I need you to get out a piece of paper and write down what the expectations are for your poetry explication essay.  *turns on projector*

Student:  Wow, a Prezi!  That's really cool, Ms. Whiston!

Me:  I know, right?

Student:  Your student teacher made it, didn't she?

Me: *sighs* Maybe.


I am going to go back to my cave and hammer some rocks together.

A Short Week, Yet Not Short on Insanity

During today's spelling test...

Me:  The word is "badminton."  You know, the game you play with long-handled racquets, a net, and a little plastic birdie.

Student:  I play with real birds.  Hawks.

Note to self:  do not play badminton at this kid's house.


And during a rousing game of Apples to Apples...

Me:  Okay, the word is "flavorful."

*Students bring me cards, and I start reading through them*

Me:  "Desert"?  A desert would not be particularly flavorful.  I think maybe you meant dessert with two s's.  Maybe we need to review the differences between the two homonyms.

Student from that group:  Oh, we know the difference.  We were just hoping you wouldn't.

Apparently my 18 years of experience as a language arts teacher and a relatively well-educated person has gone unremarked.

A Smorgasbord of 7th Grade Gems For Your Reading Pleasure

Gem 1, overheard while discussing "The Highwayman"...

Me:  So Tim the stable boy overhears what the highwayman is going to do, and what does he do with this information?

Student 1:  He rats the highwayman out to the cops!

Me:  Well, they didn't have cops back then--but he does tell the redcoats.

Student 2:  *shakes head and sighs*  Tim, Tim, Tim.  Classic Tim.


Gem 2, overheard while preparing to leave for the day...

Me:  Is there anyone willing to do a job for me if I give you a sticker?

Students:  *jump up and down with hands in the air, begging to be chosen*

Me:  Thanks for volunteering!  [Student's Name], I saw your hand up first.  Could you please count the poetry books on the shelf for me?

A Different Student:  *under her breath* Well, of course you picked him.  His was the only hand you could visibly see!

Because everyone else has invisible hands?  So confused!


Gem 3, overheard while discussing the 7th grade field trip to Cedar Point in the spring...

Student 1:  What do I get since I was the first person to turn in my money and permission slip?

Me:  A ticket and a bus ride to Cedar Point.

Student 2:  What happens if I get sick on a ride?

Me:  Throw up far away from me.  Or, you know, don't go.

Student 3:  What happens if you miss the bus in the morning?

Me:  You stay here.

Student 3:  You mean you wouldn't wait for us?  Shouldn't we get a refund then?

Me:  I don't believe you understand how this trip works.  You show up on time, we go to the park, we leave on time.  You get no refund if you can't tell time.

Student 4:  Do you ride the rides?

Me:  Of course.  Because I'm a teacher, I don't have to wait in any lines.  I get to walk right up to the ride and get on immediately.

Student 5:  No fair!  Do the kids in your group get to skip the line too?

Me:  Oh, no.  I don't have any students in a group.  You guys are chaperoned by parents.  I just walk around eating Dippin' Dots and cutting in line all day.  It's pretty much the best day ever.

Student 6:  Do we have to wear a shirt?

Me:  Yes, I am pretty certain that the school dress code requires you to wear a shirt.  Barring that, Cedar Point's dress code most likely requires you to be clothed anyways.

Student 6:  No, I meant do we have to wear the t-shirt that you design for us?

Me:  Why would you not want to?  The t-shirt will likely involve Star Wars, unicorns, and/or sloths.  The trip is worth it for the shirt alone.

I probably shouldn't be put in charge of anything.  

Watch Out, Asimov!

As part of the unit assessment, the kiddos had to write a short story about someone who fights to save the Earth.  Here is the best opening line of a sci-fi story EVER:

Yeah. I know.

Life on Mars

Today we were reading a story called "Dark They Were, and Golden-Eyed" by Ray Bradbury.  In true Bradbury form, the Earth settlers on Mars slowly morph into Martians.  Apparently Bradbury dragged out the action a little too long for one of my students...

Student:  Are they all going to die?  I just need them all to just drop dead.  That would be the best. story. ever.

Duh

The new overhead projectors that were installed in our classrooms before break have speakers installed in them.  Which is great, except that you can't use the speakers without also having the projector on.  Fortunately, you can freeze the screen so you can listen to something and still use the computer without the kids seeing what you are working on.  So I usually freeze the screen on my homescreen. which looks like this:

Student 1:  Is that a beaver?

Student 2:  No!  Only sloths read books.  Beavers just build dams.  You should know that.

Me:  *mouth opens and closes in fish-like manner*