Chestnuts Roasting...

Today my partner-in-crime teammate discovered a new use for his LCD projector--instant flickering fireplace in the classroom!  With sound effects!  Oh, it was genius.  There were a crowd of students in his room before homeroom, mesmerized by the flames.  And they were quiet.  So, so quiet.  We stood outside his door, admiring his handiwork (okay, I was secretly somewhat bitter that I hadn't thought of it myself) when this exchange occurred...

Student:  There's a fire in your room!

Teammate:  Yes, I know.

Student: That's pretty awesome!

Teammate: Yes, I know.

Student:  Does it emit real heat?

*pause*

Me:  Yes.  Of course it does.

Teammate:  Just be careful not to get too close.  You don't want to burn yourself.

Student:  Okay.

And he walks to the board with the others.


Why do they make it so easy for me?  Why?  WHY?

That Escalated Quickly.

During homeroom this morning, the kids were complaining that they had a test in EVERY class today.  And there was great wailing and gnashing of teeth.  I pointed out to them that they had a ten-question math QUIZ and a spelling test, which is really no big deal.  And maybe they should get over themselves.  This led to a diatribe about how important it was for them to do well on these tests because they could affect their entire future, and we (the teachers) should therefore cancel at least SOME of the tests,  I wanted to point out that one spelling test counts for nearly nothing in a weighted gradebook, but I let them expound on their thesis.

Student: If we fail the spelling test, we're going to have to live in a box on the streets of Detroit.  And then some guy will pee on us.

Clearly, I should have been willing to move the spelling test so they could avoid this fate.  I am such a jerk.

In Living Color

We've been reading A Christmas Carol.  Today, since I didn't want to suffer through another stave wasn't ready to move on to Stave Three, I decided to show part of the movie.  This way, the kids don't have to focus for two hours without a break, plus they get to see the setting, costumes, etc.  The George C. Scott version (which is the ONLY acceptable version other than the Muppets) is great for this because it was filmed in a restored Victorian village.  Before we watched it, I gave them some background on the film...

Me:  So this movie was made in 1984, and yes, we did have color back then.

Student:  So is it in color?

Me:  Will someone please explain the answer to that question to [name redacted] for me?  Because I'm pretty sure I just answered it.

Student:  No, Ms. Whiston, that's not what I meant.  I meant is it in COLOR color or black-and-white color?

Me:  I need you to not ask me any more questions today please.

Apparently Turkey Causes Craziness...

....because the kids were bonkers today.  BONKERS.  Like they had never been in a classroom before.  So it was a tough day, especially since the lesson was to watch a biography of Charles Dickens while taking notes for a "quiz" afterwards.  Admittedly, not the most exciting thing in the world.  As we went over the finer details of Dickens's life, one of the questions asked why Dickens had left his wife (basically because he was a jerk).

Me: So what was one of the reasons why Charles Dickens wanted to separate from his wife?

Student: Well, he blamed her for losing his creativity.  Plus he was having an affair with some actress.

Another Student: Wait...did you talk to him?

I guess the whole 35-minute documentary we had just watched kinda escaped his notice.

Iceberg, Dead Ahead!

While reading a narrative nonfiction piece about Titanic (the ship, not the movie) today:

• Why didn't they just call in a helicopter?
• Did they have night-vision goggles?
• Couldn't they have made a spotlight using aluminum foil and lightbulbs?
• If the watertight doors were closed, what would happen if someone was standing under them?
• Why did they leave the watertight doors open normally?  Wouldn't that let water in?  (they thought the doors were on the hull of the ship)
• If the water was so cold, how did Jack survive for so long? (mind you, we spent the first five minutes of class discussing the difference between narrative nonfiction and historical fiction)
• They had seven iceberg warnings?  Seven?  This really irritates me!  I need to call someone about this!

Spelling Test Shenanigans

A student gets up during the spelling test today to blow his nose.  Before he does the deed, he contemplates the (blue) tissue and says, "Is this tissue blueberry flavored?"  He proceeds to lick the tissue and then announces, "Nope, it's just regular flavor."

Several minutes later, the spelling word is likable, and I always use the word in a sentence for context.  Please be aware that much of the time the sentences are made up for my personal amusement rather than using the boring ones from the book.  So the sentence I give is, "Ms. Whiston is a very likable person.  But she is not lickable."  Because I told them at the beginning of the week that someone would confuse the two words. This, of course, led to a barrage of items that could be considered lickable, such as popsicles, candy canes, and apparently unicorns.

Then a voice from the back of the room intones, deadpan, "So are tissues."

Aaaaaaand we're all through here.

Sassy

A former student sent me this.

Presented without comment.

Sugar Rush

FYI we have a strict no-candy-or-gum policy at school...

Me: Hey, I don't care what it is you're eating--you need to get rid of it.

Student, with wide-eyed incredulity: But it's a candy pumpkin!

I honestly think she wanted me to respond with, "Oh! A candy pumpkin! Well, now that changes everything! If it was just plain old candy corn, that would be a problem. But a pumpkin! Have at it! In fact, CANDY PUMPKINS FOR EVERYONE! HUZZAH!"

Epic

It's Payday Thursday, which means the teachers order lunch. When I placed the order online, a box asked if I had any special requests.

Big mistake.

Please draw a sloth, unicorn, or dinosaur on the box.

Here's what arrived: 

For. The. Win.

Just for Giggles

The kids had a grammar assessment today. To amuse myself (as well as to freak the kids out), the bonus question read as follows:

Draw me a picture of a sloth, dinosaur, or unicorn doing something awesome on the back of this page. Say nothing about this question to other classes or to people who didn't read the whole test.

Here are some samples of what I received:

Juicy Fruit

Overheard while kids were working on the prewriting for their next essay...

Me:  Hey, you need to sit down and get to work.

Student:  I can't.  I'm trying to think.

Me:  You can think while you sit.

Student:  But I need something to write about, something so.... JUICY... that I want to take another bite!

He got to stand up.

Warm Fuzzies

Sometimes, nothing funny happens in class.  Today we read "Charles" by Shirley Jackson in class, and the only thing overheard was the collective intake of breath at the end of the story when the plot twist is revealed (no spoilers here; go read it if you want to know).  THEY GOT IT.  And they loved it.

THAT'S why it's totally worth all the other craziness.

Well, that and the occasional gift of an inflatable unicorn head.  Obviously.

International Relations

An oldie, but one of my favorites of all time...

Me:  So yeah, I used to live in England when I was a kid.

Student One:  Really?  Wow!  What language did you speak when you lived there?

Me:  *mouth working like a fish out of water*

Student Two (with vehemence):  YOU IDIOT!  DON'T YOU KNOW THEY SPEAK FRENCH IN ENGLAND?

Me:  *walks into hall to avoid international incident*

It's Just Like Working at the Zoo...

Overheard (and seen) in my classroom today...

*Student in front row starts flailing arms around wildly*
Me:  Um, are you having a seizure, or can we get on with the spelling test?
Flailing Student: Oh, I'm fine.  It's just my mating call.
Me:  *stunned silence*

Yeah.  I don't think you're doing it right.

Popcorn Friday

Overheard while waiting with students at the end of the day (I had late pick-up duty)....

Student One: Didn't you buy, like, seven bags of popcorn today?

Student Two: Yeah, but I gave most of them away to people who didn't have any. I'm the Father Theresa of popcorn.

An Incredibly Prolific Day!

Overheard in my classroom today...

1.  While discussing symbolism, a student had an epiphany and screamed (literally), "Oh!  I get it! The bird represents the boy, and the bird dies, and that shows THE SURRENDER OF THE BOY'S SOUL!!!" while beating his fist on his chest.  Really.  He beat his chest.

2.  Student:  Do you ever think about iPhones?

     Me:  Um, not a whole lot.

     Student:  Maybe we are like iPhones to aliens.  iPhones have cases, we have clothes.  Maybe the      aliens hold us up and show us off to their friends.

     Me:  Ohhhhhhhhhh boy.

3.  Me:  Okay, guys, I need your voices off.  HEY! YOU NEED TO QUIET DOWN SO WE CAN     LEAVE!

     Student:  You should use the Force, Ms. Whiston.

     Student:  She'd probably choke us with it.

4.  *immediately after I stopped laughing about #3*

      Student:  Hey, it's okay, Ms. Whiston.  Just stay in "The Eye of the Tiger" and "Don't Stop Believin'."

Really, people.  I literally cannot make this stuff up.

Nouns

One of my all-time faves!

Overheard in my classroom today (Background: for warm-ups, we label various grammatical fun things in a sentence. Yesterday we labeled parts of speech. Today was parts of the sentence)

Me: The word "paint" needs to be labeled. The sentence reads, "We don't need any paint." So what function is "paint" serving?

Student 1: It's a noun!

Me: Yes, but that's a part of speech. We did that yesterday. What's it doing in the sentence?

Student 2: It's an adverb!

Me: No, it's a noun. But we're looking at parts of the sentence, not parts of speech today.

Student 3: It's a predicate adjective!

Me: No, it's a noun. It can't be a predicate adjective.

Student 4: It's a predicate noun!

Me: No, there's no linking verb.

Student 5: It's a preposition!

Me: NO! IT'S A NOUN! BUT WE AREN'T LABELING PARTS OF SPEECH TODAY ANYWAYS! *deep breath* Okay, look. It DIRECTLY TAKES ThE ACTION OF ThE VERB. So what function is it performing?

Student 6: Ooh--I know! It's a noun!

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against wall*

Proverbs

An oldie but goodie...

Overheard in my classroom today while reviewing the types of dependent clauses...

Me: So what part of speech can modify a noun or pronoun?
Student 1: An adjective!
Me: Great! Now, what are the three parts of speech that an adverb can modify?
Student 2: Verbs!
Me: Yes, that's one...
Student 3: Adjectives!
Me: That's two...
Student 4: Proverbs!
Me: *bangs head against the wall*

Omniscient Narrator

Overheard in my classroom today when it was revealed that we had an extra ticket for next week's trip to Cedar Point:

Student: I think we should invite Morgan Freeman to go with us.
Me: Um, why?
Student: He could walk right behind us and do the voice-over narration as we ride the rides.
Me: *stunned silence followed by hysterical laughter*

Like

Dress-Up

From the archives...

You know that your day is gonna be a little weird when it starts off with your principal's daughter emerging from your classroom wearing a turkey hat and a gold lame cape while brandishing a princess wand. You know what else is weird? That those items were in my closet.

Brought to you by the letter E

Overheard in my classroom today while playing a guess-the-riddle game... (from the archives)

Me: What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of the end, and the end of every place?

Student: Ooh! Ooh! I know! *shouts at top of lungs* IT'S JESUS!!!

Me: Actually, it's the letter E, but I'm sure Jesus appreciates your enthusiasm. (I didn't ACTUALLY say this part, but I thought it in my head.)

Like

Friendly Forest Creatures

Overheard in my classroom today.... (not really today; archiving the oldies but goodies...)

(Background...I lent a plastic animal figurine to one of the dean's kids for a school diorama project. She stopped in during class to say thanks.)

Me: You guys know that I have all those random plastic toys behind my desk. So they wanted to borrow a forest animal, and I just happened to have the exact animal that they wanted. A river otter. So my river otter is living in the kindergarten class right now.

Student: Was it a live river otter, or a fake one?

Me: *crickets chirping*

DISCLOSURE: No, I do not have live river otters (or any other friendly forest creatures) living in my filing cabinet.

EPILOGUE: Same student claimed to have seen live river otters for sale at PetCo. Pretty sure they were ferrets...

Holy Cats

Overheard in my classroom today... (not really today; I am archiving some older entries)

Me: Holy cats! That's awesome!

Student: Holy cats? What happened to holy cow? Why'd you have to go all Egyptian on us?

First Day of School Letter

Not overheard but read in my classroom today...

Dear Ms. Whiston,

I am very happy to be in your class. I hope you are a better teacher than people say you are. I hope we have a great year together.

Um. Me too?

Bad Hair Day, Apparently

Overheard in my classroom:

Student: Wow, your hair looks weird.
Me: *gives student the stink eye*
Student: I mean, it looks great on you. But it's weird.

Spelling Test

Overheard in my classroom during the spelling test today...

Me: FAR-FETCHED. A zombie apocalypse seems like a FAR-FETCHED problem. FAR-FETCHED.

SELF-TAUGHT. Ms. Whiston is SELF-TAUGHT at typing, therefore she types like a T-Rex. SELF-TAUGHT.

QUICK-WITTED. Not only is Ms. Whiston QUICK-WITTED, but she is smart and beautiful as well. QUICK-WITTED.

Student: That sentence seems rather FAR-FETCHED to me, Ms. Whiston.

Well played, young sir. I concede the match.